In Memory of Greg Giraldo: Funny Stand Up Lines From 9/6/06

October 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

Funny stand up lines by Greg Giraldo: 12/10/65-9/29/10 RIP

“If you see something, say something”. “This is the New York City Subway system we are talking about, of course, I’m going to see something suspicious. In fact, one time I saw someone peeing on someone who was masturbating.”

“So many people are so quick to judge the homeless people in NYC, thinking to themselves, “Well, if I give him a dollar, he’ll probably spend it on drugs or alcohol.” Come to think of it, that’s what I’ll probably spend it on.”

“Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don’t the homeless just go out and get a job? If he’s wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don’t think he’s going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s has a no underwear over your pant policy.”

“There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for .40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.”

“How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.”

“If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?”

“Wallmart had their employees switch from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays”. How many Jews are really shopping at Wallmart? In fact, if you’re a Jew shopping at Wallmart, your life probably hasn’t gone as planned.”

“We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.”

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